Metal Gear Dies


Holy shit! This game is bad. Metal Gear Solid is probably the most consistent video game series. Period. Metal Gear 1 – sneaking around snowy Shadow Moses… Number 2 – you have the tanker. You have the Dr. Octopus as the president and that apeshit ending. Snake Eater – the jungle setting. You have the relationship between Big Boss and his mentor. Metal Gear 4 is incredibly bold just for trying
to make sense out of the previous games and Metal Gear 5 with its refreshing focus on freedom of gameplay. Each game is an artistic and technical achievement and a unique experience of their own. So, right on the heels of Phantom Pain selling 6,000,000 copies, Konami cancels Hideo Kojima’s next project, the highly anticipated Silent Hills, whose demo set the Internet on fire, then Konami fires him from the company and disallows him to receive an award for Metal Gear 5. [Geoff Keighley] Mr. Kojima had every intention of being with us tonight, uhh… But, unfortunately, he was informed by a lawyer representing Konami, just recently, that, uhh… he would not be allowed to travel to tonight’s award ceremony to accept any awards. [booing in background] [Dunkey] This situation really hit home with me because during this, my mom and my aunt were
going through the exact same thing. Both of them dedicated their lives to their jobs and after years and years of putting up with dumbass shit and working past the clock, the second they got a little fed up with the system, BOOM! Fired. So, how does Konami redeem itself? METAL GEAR ZOMBIES, DUDE! RIGHT?! EH HEH HEH HEH HEH! Everybody loves zombies! …8 fucking years ago… Nobody wanted this game. This is like if Nintendo fired Miyamoto and then announced the next Mario game is a M-rated dating sim coming out exclusively for the fucking Virtual Boy. Even if this game turned out great, fans would hate it but it didn’t turn out great. It’s not even mediocre. This game is Ultra Ultra Mega Ultra Mega Ass! Konami has successfully nosedive this franchise into a fucking mountain. This Kojima-less era of Metal Gear is over before it even began. I figured “Okay, they got the Fox Engine.” “How bad could the game be?” “Just slap a new map on there, call it Metal Gear 6,” “make it an annual franchise like Assassin’s Creed.” Nope, too much work! Here, have a game where you hit zombies with a stick. Have fun, dickface! Every aspect of the game is designed to be as tedious as humanly possible. You’re constantly walking around this huge,
empty map, looking for food and water. Then when you finally find some, Oh, you thought you could just eat it there? No, you got to walk back to the base for that except your guy can’t even run for two seconds without running out of stamina be- because… it- NRRRGH The entire map is enveloped in fog so you can never tell where you are or where you’re going. Even the waypoints will stop working when you’re in the fog. Anytime you find something that looks remotely interesting, the moment is always cut shor- Sweet! Now I don’t have to walk back to the base for 20 min- -ep. Okay… Oh god, why did I… Yup. And there goes my entire inventory. The combat is stiff and joyless and your character is just pathetic. It takes him an hour to swing a baseball bat and he dies in 2 hits. Unlike Metal Gear 5, where one mission could play out in 50 different ways, every mission here plays out in one way: Put down a fence and hit zombies with a stick until you win. Every single time. WEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* This man’s mind…. has been torn in two. *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* ♪ Street Fighter – Guile’s Theme ♪ *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* Metal Gear Survive is a chore to play. It’s not only a slap in the face to Kojima but a failure on its own terms. This shit is worse than Mass Effect Andromeda. *poke* [Outro]
♪ “Old Snake” from the Metal Gear 4 OST ♪